Friday, September 17th, 2004
Over at Wanderlust Neha is struggling with the third stanza, which is cut and pasted thusly:
Drops of silver on soft white flesh
like sparking diamonds under a golden sun
rolling down twisty branches, weary of weight
carried through endless nights and endless days
Onto quivering hidden lips
waiting to sprout green once again.
I’m sort of partial to an “oval” diamond in line 2 because I can’t really see a “sparking diamond.” The first line would seem to set up the metaphor. Would leaving diamonds without an adjective be enough? I don’t know. Then I fix on the “golden sun.” I’d love to see the sun work a little harder. The “rolling” image is nice. The “weary of weight / carried through” seems long too. I’d suggest some wrestling with syntactical arrangement. I really enjoy the first stanza, but I wonder what would happen to the poem if the last line of stanza 1 were cut?